I'm a fricker. Fricker with an attitude!

HI! I am a crazy blogging blogger...

Know what bothers me? When my cat takes a giant dump right outside of the litter box.

That bothers me a lot.

Know what else bothers me? When I don't look at people as I'm going through my day.

So get this...I'm in the grocery store and spot a wonderfully gorgeous young man walking towards me in the greeting card section. He walks towards me, and like, romantic music is playing in my head and time as we know it slows down... his golden hair is swaying with each gorgeous step he takes.. and THEN he looks at me, smiles......oh.... a melt-me-like-butter kind of smile.. and not just a half-smile... but a full-fledged happy-to-see-you smile.... I can SMELL what kind of cologne he is wearing as he's coming closer....

And what do I do? Put my head down while smiling... and look at the floor...

What. The FUCK. Am I a fuck-tard for real?

Yup, I am. Now, if I were thin would I have done that? Nope. I would have thought to myself that I had a chance, being bright, beautiful and thin, to say Hi to this young man.

My whole life is dominated by my weight. It's sick!

I deserve happiness, do I not? And I deserve a nice looking man, do I not? YES I DO DAMNIT!

The gastric bypass place called me back.. I'm too much of a chicken shit to call them back and go to the appointment. But you know what? I am going to. I can't live like this anymore.

I let the girls at work run all over me and tell ME what they are going to do. Know why? Because i'm fat. No more! No more!

I feel like crap. Know why? Because I'm fat. I have fatty liver apparently. That bothers me. And why? Because I've been living in this little fake cocoon, thinking "oh i'm fat, but I have no medical condition that is because I'm fat. I have MS. Not related to weight! I have asthma! Not related to weight!".

But oh... I throw up every day, so I go to the doctor... and he does all these ultra-sound thingies and determines I have fatty liver.

Okay...there is no avoiding that one is there... that is because i'm fat. That is the very day I decided I had to do something about it. Something serious.

I work out. Run every day. Oh, what happens? Relapse.

I go on a wonderful diet. Eat chicken, salads, fruits. And what happens? I lose 10 pounds in five months. No soda. Nope. Nothing bad. And you know WHAT?! I don't even LIKE junk food, so this was awesome. But does it work? No. I go online to try to see what I'm doing wrong here... What do I find? I'm doing nothing wrong. I'm consuming the right foods, amounts, I have all the frickin things in the PYRAMID.

I try working out again. But lighter, so I don't lose my ability to WALK again. What happens? I need 12 hours of sleep every night again and freaking can't wake up in the morning to go to work. And oh oh! Can't feel my legs again.

I feel trapped. I can't feel trapped anymore. I have to do this. HELP ME!



I'm sorry this was a downer-ish post... I have my period and I'm irritable I suppose... nobody to talk to, although I might have a date soon! Yay me!!!!!!!!!! I have a brand-new black turtleneck shirt and new skinny jeans (lol) to wear, so hopefully he'll like it... I'll even do my hair all nicey and dye it black!

ugh. I hate being fearful of meeting people because of my weight. Face? no problem. Below neck? Oh dear GOD.

Okay everyone, I will post again, as I have so many things in my brain right now that I have to get them down on paper! Is this paper? Nope...

Okay, toodles with noodles!