Part two of: Highest level of confused. Red alert! Red Alert!

So hi again... I ate my breakfast and had m&m's and some of those awesome spicy chili doritos.. and some ice cream. You can always tell when I'm having a rough time by what I eat...

I'm listening to Lateralus right now, I've realized it provokes wonderful thought and deep emotion for me. Don't ask me why.

So. Now that I've been thinking non-stop about a certain situation, I've had to go through all these emotions all over again. Anger. Frustration. Mind-numbing blankness. Deep consideration for my own actions and decisions. Resentment. Loneliness. Wanting.

I've been an unforgiving person since about 12th grade. I always forgave and gave out second and third chances to people, because contrary to popular belief, I did believe in the ability to change. I believed in the goodness of people. I know that seems crazy to people who haven't known me that long, since I've been stuck in an angry, fuck everybody stage for about six years now. Being hurt one too many times has done a complete reversal on me.

But is it right...? Would I be a happier person if I did forgive people? Would I be more at peace with myself if I understood that people can make mistakes? People make mistakes. I make mistakes. So why is it that I can't forgive other people if I do the same thing? Because I don't want to look at the person I am.

People tell me all the time that I'm so angry... i get defensive and deny it and spout off all the reasons that they are wrong. But are they?

I think they may be on to something. I am angry. I'm angry at injustice. But I have to let it go.

So with this recent event in my life, I have to, for my own sake, forgive, or not forgive. Do I try to fully understand why someone did me wrong and accept it? For the truly human-nature that it is? Or do I start coming up with reasons why I shouldn't forgive someone and be angry more. Until it consumes me.

Life has been interesting, because I've been doing a lot of soul searching this past week or two. And I feel like such a small person. I can't imagine if I made a mistake and nobody forgave me.

I've been running a very simple question around in my head for a few weeks now, because someone asked me... to paraphrase: am I happy now, or is something missing...

Am I happy?... no.

Is something missing?... yes.

Do I know what it is that I am missing? yes. I do. It's just something I didn't want to admit to myself.

Part three will come in a little while, where I lay-out everything that I am missing now...

So byebye for now.. whoever you are..

~Jaime Lee

Highest level of confused. Red alert! Red alert!

So HI!

I am at the highest level of confusion now. I always think i'm all suave and put-together in regards to my thoughts. But hey, I guess I'm not!

I always think I have the answers. I always think I can get through something. But then sometimes reality elbows you in the face and you realize that maybe you've been slightly delusional about your thoughts.

So since December, I've been trying to force certain thoughts into the recesses of my brain, waaaaaay back there where nobody can reach them. I've been able to do this successfully since I was about 14 years old. I can remember the exact reason I started doing this too. (I really can, ask if you want to know)

So since I've become this skilled at forcing raw emotions into the back of my brain where I have to actually try real hard to remember what is back there, I have this pent up stuff that all of sudden comes out and attacks people! Ahhhhh!

So, like I said, since December, I pushed something that was the most hurt I've ever felt in my entire life, back into that special place in my brain. Then something happened on May 2nd... I couldn't fit anymore items into that recess and it exploded and I was forced to feel all the pain and raw emotion for the first time. Yes, really. For the first time since December.

So now I am at the highest level of confusion. Because now that all that stuff popped out, I have to feel it. I didn't want to, but I have to. Which I'm sure is the healthier approach than not thinking about how much pain I had and how much I wish this one particular event didn't happen.

Now I am confused on the thoughts I had originally thought from December and a few months after that. I'm confused about what I initially thought. I'm confused on what I think now. I'm confused on what I want.

I have to eat breakfast, but there will be a "part two" to this, because I have to get my thoughts out of my brain! It's eating me alive!

Toodles with noodles until later...

Jaime Lee

Even more confused...

I'm even MORE confused now... And I thought my previous post was the most confused I could ever be.

I think someone should take a gun and shoot me. Put me out of my misery. Let me find out if there is a God, an after-life... an 11:11 god... hehe

Or. Should I make a change in my life. Right now.

Help me.

I have to watch American Idol now, so maybe I'll write more tomorrow. Even though nobody reads this stuff, since I usually only bitch. Who wants to hear me bitch, right? Nobody...

Goodbye, world...