Highest level of confused. Red alert! Red alert!

So HI!

I am at the highest level of confusion now. I always think i'm all suave and put-together in regards to my thoughts. But hey, I guess I'm not!

I always think I have the answers. I always think I can get through something. But then sometimes reality elbows you in the face and you realize that maybe you've been slightly delusional about your thoughts.

So since December, I've been trying to force certain thoughts into the recesses of my brain, waaaaaay back there where nobody can reach them. I've been able to do this successfully since I was about 14 years old. I can remember the exact reason I started doing this too. (I really can, ask if you want to know)

So since I've become this skilled at forcing raw emotions into the back of my brain where I have to actually try real hard to remember what is back there, I have this pent up stuff that all of sudden comes out and attacks people! Ahhhhh!

So, like I said, since December, I pushed something that was the most hurt I've ever felt in my entire life, back into that special place in my brain. Then something happened on May 2nd... I couldn't fit anymore items into that recess and it exploded and I was forced to feel all the pain and raw emotion for the first time. Yes, really. For the first time since December.

So now I am at the highest level of confusion. Because now that all that stuff popped out, I have to feel it. I didn't want to, but I have to. Which I'm sure is the healthier approach than not thinking about how much pain I had and how much I wish this one particular event didn't happen.

Now I am confused on the thoughts I had originally thought from December and a few months after that. I'm confused about what I initially thought. I'm confused on what I think now. I'm confused on what I want.

I have to eat breakfast, but there will be a "part two" to this, because I have to get my thoughts out of my brain! It's eating me alive!

Toodles with noodles until later...

Jaime Lee