Naive.

Hi again!

I've been very reflective this week again. I don't know why it keeps happening, maybe it's the MS?

I've noticed a disturbing symptom again... I see things that aren't really there. I mean, I know I've seen the tarantulas and stuff, but now it's affecting things I do during the day. I need to see the neurologist and maybe he can help me?

Pray for me!

I was thinking about why I was flattered when my one ex (Michael) wrote to me two months ago and told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and all that jazz. Then I was thinking about my initial thought as soon as his text woke me up that day. I wasn't going to write back. I was pissed. I said "fuck you" in my head. Why did I write back..? You know what it was? Not that I wanted him back. Not that I thought we belonged together. I wanted an apology. And I eventually got it. Well, I got a "I've made a lot of mistakes". Not an "I'm sorry", but, I'll take what I can get.

So all day today I was thinking about why certain people come into my life and for what purpose. And maybe I'm just looking for a reason to justify what he did to me. I don't know. But either way I was thinking that he came into my life to show me what I should not put up with ever again. That I'm better than that. That I don't deserve to be lied to. To be called names. Then I was thinking about David. And how the transition from Mike to David was amazingly good. And how the two of them differ entirely. And while I was with David, I kept saying to myself "Why in the hell was I with someone like Mike?". Then I was thinking about how the only truly healthy relationship I've had was with David. And I think David came into my life to show me what I did deserve; respect and no name-calling. Besides the issues I had with him, it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in.

Then I started thinking of why I put up with Mike for as long as I did. His lies. I started thinking about how he would say he had to go to the store while he was over at my house having a Sunday family dinner, and he'd disappear. For no reason. And how stupid I was to not get that he was going to see his lady friend. I didn't get how towards the end, I had stayed over at his house and in the morning he told me to go home for a while, while he ran some errands. I said why don't I go with you, since our plan was to spend the day together? He said no. How did I not get that he was planning to go see his other girl?

How was I that naive?

It bothers me so much this week that I was so fooled by him. My parents warned me for two years about it. I fought them. I drove a wedge between us because of Mike. I fought for him.

I didn't see. Why?

It's been making me feel so awful lately, because the one thing I always prided myself on was that I could read people. And I used to say that I'd never be taken advantage of again, ever since high school.

I swore my wounds from high school would be the last.

But they weren't.

Why?

But I will take all of that and turn it into a positive. At least I learned, right?

Yes. I did learn.

And today I will be thankful that these things happened!

So! I will go eat a granola bar and think of a subject for tomorrow's post!

I know what it is! It will be about the crazy cake lady!

Toodles with noodles for now!

Love,

Jaime Lee