Ah... there goes another one!

YOU KNOW WHAT!?!

I've decided that the last post that I... posted... was out of initial fear. The fear of being alone. Not of not being loved or even thinking I lost the love of my life. You know what I realized this past week? I'm happy. I've been happy for two weeks now. I cried once. And only once. Fear. Not regret. Fear.

Fear is a powerful thing, isn't it? The person I thought I loved for two years is no longer with me because he decided to lie to me about another woman... now I know what you're thinking... but no, I didn't catch him cheating. He merely lied about a circumstance involving a woman. That bothers me. Don't lie to me. Don't ever do it.

And then I found out he's lied about a lot of other things in the past. That bothers me. I don't like liars.

SO! I picked up my bags (or my grocery-bag of bathroom-items) and LEFT. It's all okay. Because the love of my life is out there and I'm going to FIND him god DAMNIT!

On a some-what related topic, I am contacting lots of people about gastric bypass. I've learned I could qualify for it. I would be healthy. I would be thin. And hopefully people would see me for who I am and not an initial 'fat ass'. How lovely :)

Because you know WHAT!? I am pretty. Took enough of my life to be able to say that, but it's true. God has bestowed a wonderful thing onto me; beauty. And I'm grateful for that. I can be so many things. Not that beauty should enter into what I want to accomplish in life, but it would help...

And I know that sounds bad, but I've stopped talking to so many people in my life for fear of rejection. If I met an awesome person online, I'd stop talking to him for fear of him finding out I'm less than perfect.

On that subject of perfect... I've since realized what happened in my relationship that just ended. When we first came together, he was coming out of something so complicated, all these woman, drama, and no money and lost his job and what-not. So I think his initial enthusiasm for me was fake... and maybe not even of his knowing... but hyped-up. We spent every hour of every day together... inseparable. Made-out like teenagers.. He wrote texts every night telling me how he couldn't believe he found the woman he's meant to spend the rest of his life together.. it was all fake.

Then reality set in. I had flaws. He had flaws. The only sad thing is that I accepted his flaws and he didn't like mine. My ONLY one being my self-conscious thing. YES. I DO have an issue with my weight. But why the HELL should that dictate anything else about how he felt about me?

But it's all okay. I've also realized from this that, I am an amazingly strong woman. I faced this with a tough attitude and accepted that my life was going to change. Won't be what I thought, but so what? I have the rest of my life in front of me now. And besides, my recent spirituality kick has helped tremendously. Knowing that there is something greater at work here...

I faced thinking I'd never walk again with a grace and dignity and sense of humor that I am jealous of MYSELF when I think about it now. Man! I was AWESOME!

But, onto other things...

I've also realized that I haven't been as cute and witty as I used to be in my old posts... I was reading some older ones and actually laughed out loud! I LOL'D. hehe.

Time for Jaime to come back... YAY ME!

My brother might be moving to Pennsylvania. I am sad! We won't have Sunday night game night anymore... :(

Justin might move up to the Adirondacks now... That makes me sad!

And here I am.. still living at home... but you know what? It makes me happy! I suppose I like being part of a family, and that is what is important to me right now. Although the break-up has been great ammunition for some ideas about my life, regarding my career path and wanting land and a house.





This is how happy I want to be in my life... I was in the hospital thinking I'd never walk again... but I was smiling.

I need that. I am going to go GET that.

I will start writing witty posts again asap!

Toodles with noodles...

Jaime Lee