Dreamer

Sorry for my last outburst.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN1vFESbfZk

I wrote to Governor Cuomo's office. Asking them for any advice. I have nowhere to turn :(

I'm thinking of finding a neurologist in the immediate area. I like mine, but, getting prescriptions and getting messages to him has been so awful. The only ones I can find are at Slocum. Which I don't want. Don't want to go near that building ever again. Many reasons. But I had a neuro there before who made me cry and lied to me about my results.

I did my meditation last night. I was visualizing pretty amazingly actually. I was on a beach, going into the water. I had a bikini on with a wrap over it. Only towards the end of the session did I take off the wrap and saw my body the way I want it. It was pretty cool actually. Not only did I see it, I felt it. I could feel the sand. I could feel the water when you first walk into it, how it's so warm... I went further into the water and it went up to my waist. Nobody else was there except me and my new self. It was amazing. But then he counted to three and woke me up. Psht.

But my dreams last night had to do with Finding Nemo. I was watching it with someone, don't know who. I did my thing where I put my hand on mike's forehead again, but, he wasn't in sight this time. But, I was watching Nemo with someone.

I want to go back there tonight. It is so peaceful in my world. Beach, sand, blue sky, trees, squirrels, water, rocks. Amazing. And it's all mine! You can't have it!!

This is about as close to what I made my world into as I can find online. I was out there in the water though.

I want to be here forever.

Actually this is a more peaceful depiction of where I go every night: yes please.

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Dreamer

Fuck.

Fuckers.

I have no health insurance. I went over by $1.33. They dropped me. I have no needles left. I was supposed to be covered until the first. I am not. Today is not the first, is it? Fuckers.

Nothing they can do. Really?

I will run for office. Change this fucking system.

There is absolutely no way I can get my injections now. No way possible. Nice. And all during a relapse, go figure. The one time I really NEED that fucking medication.

I asked the girl at the specialty pharmacy how much out of pocket it would be for now, since I'm not covered. Answer: $4437.27 for a month's supply.

Fuck.

Aww..

Good morning again! Why is that tabbed in? I'll leave it. I like tabs.

Anyways. Good morning. 5:12 to be exact. Just got home from work. Did a bunch of fun things.

I did not get to do my meditation/healing last night, I was too tired.

I will do it today.

Todd told me that all he wants to do is be with me and that is his only happy thought :)

Awwwww how sweet.

Yes. Jaime is awesome. Is she not? Yes. I am. :)

Earlier he said how much he missed me. How lucky am I? I am praying that he is not a liar.

I went over some deal breakers with him. My first one is lying.

But. Thing is, I also told mike this is my first major deal-breaker. But, he was full of them.

But, he said he'll tell me the story about why this is important to him also. So perhaps we'll have something in common. Woot.

I will be receiving my book tomorrow about cell-level healing. I can't wait to read it. Super excited. I will heal. That will be my life's purpose. And maybe my own life can be a true testament to what I can do with my thoughts. My neuro always says how my disease course is extraordinary. Unlike any other. I think it's my thoughts. I know it :)

I will also be reading a book by Masaru Emoto about how thoughts and positive thinking can change water. Interesting. I'm going to be a busy reader :)

I must go for now, do my healing tonight, and my cat is just sitting here staring at me, so I know he wants to go to bed and is waiting for me to go upstairs... aww. I love the connection I have with animals. People call me the dog whisperer. And, now, the cat whisperer. I've heard that it's uncanny what I can accomplish with animals and how they respond to me versus others.

Goodnight everyone, I am off to meditate!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Healer

Lucid Dreamer on the Loose!

Good early morning!

5:22 to be exact. I just got home from work and will be doing session #2 shortly.

I was listening to Coast to Coast and a woman started talking about her sleep paralysis. Reminded me of my episode with it, after the hallucinations. I remembered how frightened I was. The woman talked of hearing things, and how some people see things, like the 'old hag' syndrome. I could not open my eyes, but, I knew someone was pressing down on my chest. I almost want it to happen again so I can experience something else. I know it's not just a neurological thing. Something was there holding me down. For a reason. I want to know!

I should become a scientist I decided. All this stuff intrigues me.

I've been researching lucid dreaming and 'shared dreams' as the idea behind two people in the same dream being aware of it intrigues me. I remember trying to pull people into my dreams before. I did it with my brother once, but he never said anything. I did it with mike a few times in the past, but, I'll never know if he remembers being pulled into my scenario.

I try it with people that I think have the ability, first and foremost, to lucid dream. I've become quite good at it, as I usually recognize I'm in a dream now. I can do anything :) Super fun if you ask me. But I'm onto another stage. I'm trying to pull people into my dreams and have them know it. I hear it's possible, especially when you have had a lucid dreams. Which makes me wonder about last night. I was lucid dreaming, about the doors and stuff, and the instance with mike in my room seemed out of body. Like he knew he was there. I knew he was there.

How insanely cool would it be if he remembered?

Hm. I need to try this with someone who I have contact with! hm... I'll try it with my mom or something.

Okay... I have to go now, as it is 5:51 in the morning and I have not slept because I drank an entire pot of coffee at work and I'm super wired.

Lucid dreaming, here I come :) Watch out, you may be pulled into my dream...

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Healer

Session #1

Good afternoon!

4:41 to be exact.

I did my 11:11 Akashic Construct tape, #2. Pretty sure I reached deep alpha, everything was nice and fuzzy and my breathing was pretty shallow. Nice and peaceful.

Mike did not appear in my construct, as this was just me getting back into meditating.

I did dream about him though. BUT, this felt more like an out-of-body experience, and I am almost certain I was watching myself. I was sleeping in my bed, all the surroundings were exactly as they are, and mike was in my room, walking out of my door to leave. I saw myself sleeping and saw him, but he was blurry, ghost like. But he had shown up. I think he was hesitant.

Then I had lucid dreams. But it involved a new baby girl that turned into a kitty. And doors shutting. But I knew I was in a dream so I tried my hardest to stay there and figure out why doors were shutting.

Maybe mike is subconsciously denying my help. Psht. I will heal!!

I have to do this tape every day for a week before I can go into the third one. But all I did during my tape was visualize, which is a big part of making things happen. All I did was a type of remote viewing, which took me into his room (would be so freaky if his room actually looked like this), and I put my hand on his forehead and held it there.

We'll see. I'm interested to know if I did anything or can. But alas, I'll never know. But, this is day one of Jaime's Forgiveness. Yup. I have to stop being angry. It is what it is. His life is messed up enough so I should not be angry anymore. After all, his parents never gave him a chance. They are both messed up. And thusly, so is their child. It's unfortunate and I did always feel for him in this way.

Session #2 will begin tonight.

Wish me luck :)

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Healer

Weird Post...

Good early morning to everyone!

4:35 to be exact. I just got home from work.

I realized something today, while listening to Coast to Coast AM, 950. It was a segment with Dr. Joyce Hawkes, PhD. She was explaining how she heals people. Using her mind. She used a phrase that was also used on my 11:11 meditation tapes... which was "if they are meant to be healed, they will come"

You may remember me saying when I was in deep alpha, mike came into my world. Not by my doing. I was quite offended when he just showed up there actually. But as I was listening to Dr. Joyce, there may have been a reason he came forward in a spiritual way for me. Perhaps I am supposed to be helping him through my gifts, which I know I have. Rather than hurt him with my voodoo doll, I should help him. Perhaps that's why he came into my life at all. I think I've been confused this whole time.

You see, I knew he was coming into my life. I knew his name would be Mike. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew I truly loved him, but I also knew we were not meant to stay together. I saw the future and it involved us not being together because of someone at work. I remember telling him this a few months into our relationship. I probably sounded like a nut job. But, indeed that is what actually happened, which is why it was hardly a surprise to me actually. I knew it.

But after it happened I was still perplexed. I knew there would also come a day, far into the future, that we would meet up again. But it would be a time in both our lives when we developed into different people; the people we were both meant to be. I used to pray for him every night. I used to pray that his head would be clear. At the time I thought he had brain tumors, but, turned out that was a lie. But I also know there still is something wrong with him, involving his head. Obviously, through everything that happened, I know he's not entirely right. Perhaps that's where I come in. I am his healer.

I know this sounds crazy, but, as I listened to Dr. Joyce talk about meditating and the levels of consciousness you go through and how people who are meant to be healed, will come forth to you for that healing, I realize it's him. It must be. He came forth. In my world, and I could not open my eyes because I was in such a deep alpha that I could not.

So. I think I'll start doing that. Dr. Joyce says you can do it without even touching someone. You can do it through the phone or just with your thoughts.

Maybe I will try. This might actually help my anger. If I can let go of the anger he caused me and actually help him in his own life, then that is okay. This might be why I knew he was coming into my life to begin with. I have to heal him.

I will try that in a little while.

Goodnight, world.

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Love?

Hi everyone!

Jaime is getting feelings for someone... and apparently he has feelings for me too.. this is scaring me, since now I KNOW I have a fear of commitment. I did some research online, and it makes sense to have that after trauma in a relationship.

He's making me feel things I never thought I'd feel again. I have not had these types of feelings for 3 years. So, that makes me happy, but, I'm so afraid of falling for it again. He's saying all the things mike used to say that made me so happy. So what if this person turns into a liar too? And I become the idiot again...

He's been telling me how much he thinks about me, and worries about me (since my hospital trip), and he's so sweet and seems to be perfect. That's just it... the word perfect scares me now.

My mom said the other day that she doesn't think I'll ever get married. I told her she's probably right. I don't want it. I don't want any part of committing myself to someone, because I KNOW they will hurt me. There was mike. He was the worst. Then David. Although, he was just a rebound so maybe it shouldn't count... I didn't think of david as a rebound at the time, but, he was. You should never stay with a rebound... baaaaad idea. Know why? Because the feelings you have aren't true. You're still reeling from a breakup, so the feelings you think you have for a person right after, aren't really there. But, David was a psycho. Chris. He turned into an idiot. Jon. Idiot.

Now I know Todd. Wonderfully different... I think about him. I love when he texts me, he gives me those feelings that make me giddy. The only other time I had ever felt this way was with mike. Which is why I'm scared of it. I fell for mike. Totally head over heels in love, would have done anything for him, would have stayed by his side no matter what. Love. Real love. Or so I thought. He was a liar though.

I don't want to fall for it.

Help me :(

Jaime is dizzy again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN1vFESbfZk

I'm dizzy! My lesion is acting up, I tried telling it to calm down, but it didn't listen to me! Hehe... I am due for another pill in one hour, so I hope I feel better :)

My brother got a 3DS and he bought Ocarina of Time for me! Aww... I think he's trying his best to make me feel better.. it's working! I have not played that game in over 7 years so I am so excited. I think I might get me a 3DS. I have the big one, but I let my mom use it for her mario game :D

I looked at my horoscope for today, since I've been having psychic dreams for two days now and It's been uncanny.

Real changes are coming in one of your older relationships, and they're good ones!

What the heck does that mean? That's all they give me... Psht.

Old relationship? What the frigger does that mean?

Know what song I've been listening to? Heartless, Kanye West. I listened to it while I was running before I relapsed and I realized that was a song that old boyfriend used to listen to. So it made me mad. But then, I started loving the song. Especially the part about 'wait a couple months then you gonna see, you never find nobody better than me"

Don't you wish they'd speak correctly? But either way, good part. Yup. All people will realize this about me. Ah, Jaime is awesome. Yup. Be sorry!!!

I also love that Adele song... Set fire to the rain.... awesome song. Always makes me teary eyed, because it always reminds me of an ex and the hurt. But, it's positive though, you gotta do what you gotta do :)

I relate this back to following one person, knowing that would be the end. I had to make that decision. And I did. It hurt, because I knew that was the beginning of the end, but it was something I had to do. It's like that lyric "I threw us into the flame" Yup.

Poor Adele. I wonder what she went through. Made her rich though, so yay for her!!

I have to go eat something, at 12:34, so I will write more later!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Adele Lover

Update :)

Hello!

I am watching Meet the Parents and it's making me all jiggly inside! hehe... reminds me of my life when I was with Mike and all the suspicion my family had about him. But, the movie is better since he actually isn't a liar, and it turned out Mike was. Oh well. That's life for ya, huh?

My neuro had me do whole bunches of tests, and watched me walk, and said he hops this dizzy thing will go away, he gave me ninety pills and more valium so I hope it helps...

I'm doing worse today than yesterday, and I think it's because I didn't have a lot of pills in my system yet.. Hopefully tomorrow will be better :)

I was asked out for this weekend, but I'm in no condition for it. I woke up today at 4 pm and I'm ready for bed again and can barely keep my head up. I hate it. I want to be productive but I can't be :(

I had another dream about mike and it's bothering me. Gyah! Had a dream he followed me to my house to just hang out. I wouldn't talk to him, just like the last dream. He talked, but I just let him, as I could not come up with anything to say to the poor guy.

I feel sorry for his life and circumstances. I hope he gets help.

I like having a friend. Even though I hardly know him, just talking to someone on the phone that wants to be nice to me is making me really happy. I like that he calls me. I like that I can be myself without being judged. He's very sweet.

The other man is nice too, so we'll see how it goes. He wants to go out saturday, but, can't do it yet. Also afraid of developing feelings for someone.

I have issues.

I've turned into one of those people with a fear of commitment. I always hated those types of people. Now I am one. Irony as its best.

I have to go put my head down, as it is leaning to the right. My neuro explained why my lesions coincide with my problem, as the lesion is in my right side, in my brain, just above my ear. So, it is affecting my balance and dizzy stuff. I love learning about what is making me miserable. This might be someone that I'll have to deal with for a long time, but I'll keep my hopes up for now... pray for me! I have a customer at work praying for me, my parents, my uncle, and maybe a few others! YAY ME!!

Okay... I have to go again...

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Little Fighting Relapser

Bitchery Rant

Gyah.

I'm in a rather vile mood right now.

I have cramps. I'm dizzy. I'm hungry. I'm tired of sleeping fourteen hours. I hate people in general. I wish I could just die so I wouldn't have to deal with idiots anymore. Or see idiotic things. Or deal with idiotic employees. Fuck it all.

Yes. I want to die now. My time is up I think.... send me away somewhere.

Or, put me in a coma so I can 'live' but no be aware of anything. Man, that's a bad thing to say. Imagine how families of coma patients would feel about me saying that... I'm sorry :(

I'm rather blessed when I think about it, I'm just pissy today. Don't fuck with me today. Don't cross me. I will eat your head. I swear.

Goodbye...

Jaime Lee

Pissy Little Bitch

Jaime will survive!

Hello all!

I've been working two to three hours a day! yaaaaaay me! I am super excited.

But. I have no health insurance. I do not quality for medicaid anymore because I went over the limit by $1.30. Fuck.

Right? So, I'm trying my hardest to make them re-determine it. My case worker is an idiot, she didn't try to help me at all. So, Jaime has to do the work herself. Which is fine.

I am not losing my health insurance because of a buck.

I will live.

I see the neuro on Wednesday, and I need him to sign the handicap thingy for me. I think it will help.

I'm almost out of valium and antivert and I'm scared about running out. I don't want to be dizzy again... but I'm also scared of valium... I hear it can be really addictive and make people kill themselves... :( Imma sad face. I don't want to kill myself!

I have had a weird symptom, loud noises make my whole body get a chill, like I go numb all over if I'm startled and my heart goes floopy. I hope I don't die :(

But, I've decided to be okay with that, since I'd rather not be dizzy and unable to walk or look at something or get to the bathroom myself. That was awful. I mean, my family will always help me, but I don't want to rely on other people to go to the bathroom. :( And I don't want to throw up every time I get up. That was bad. And gross. :(

Jaime will survive though!

I was asked out for this weekend, but, I'm in no shape yet... this sucks. But, life could be worse :)

I have to go watch Bill O'Reilly now, and finish this 'dirty hippie' video on YouTube.... then off to bed to sleep another fourteen hours! yaaaaaaay!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Little Fighting Relapser

Better :)

Hi everyone...

After one week of taking antivert and valium, I am feeling slightly better :) I can walk again without falling over! So exciting..

I see the neuro on wednesday, so cross your fingers for me! I am also applying for a handicap thing to hang, so that way on hot days, I won't go blind by the time I get into the store...

That happened at Wal Mart and it was really scary :(

But, I am upbeat, we are having a cookout today! YAAAAAAY!! I want to go camping :(

Ugh. I am yearning now. Yearning for camping. But, life is good!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Little Relapser

I'm back!

Well...

Went to the hospital.. apparently have an enhancing lesion... relapse fo sho :)

I'm a lot better, can actually walk so I'm super happy...

On valium and something else... doing good, but, if this is following what happened last time, the worst is yet to come...

dun dun DUNNN!

Pray for me! I have a few praying people so far, so I hope it helps me!

Thanks to all the people rooting for me :)

Love,

Jaime Lee

Little Relapser

Day Five

Day five of dizziness...

:( Help me...

But, this new man is making me really happy, and he mentioned how he feels very lucky to know me and that more people should know someone as wonderful as me... :)

TEEHEE!

Jaime likes.

Jaime is awesome... :)

Day Four

Day four of dizziness.

Should I be calling my neuro? I don't want to... because I don't want to face reality quite yet. Yes. Denial. Something I am great at now. :)

I finally meet this guy that I think has potential, and that I want to know more about, and I'm going to go have a relapse? Pffft.....

WEll, I will do my best!

I can't wait for Easter, I love holidays at the bakery... I am teaching one girl how to ice cakes and she's doing pretty well! I love passing on my knowledge to other people. Makes me feel good inside. Makes me feel worth-while. :)

I have to go lay down so I don't fall over!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Dizzy Girl

Relapse :(

Hello all!

I have major dizziness... have for a few days. I hope to GOD I'm not having another relapse. That's how the bad one started..

I cancelled my appointment today to rest and see how I feel.

Every time I stand up, I almost fall over. :(

Pray for me!

Psht. I don't wanna go in the hospital :(

Signs of Multiple Sclerosis Relapse

Dizziness

Feeling lightheaded or unsteady on your feet can be an unsettling experience, but it's a common sign of MS relapses. The dizziness is due to damage in the parts of your brain that control your equilibrium. A motion sickness drug can take away that 'room-is-spinning' feeling in the short term, but if it lasts more than a day you may need to be treated for an exacerbation.

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W.H.O.R.E +B.A.G=WhoreBag

Whore.

Psht. Rush was right to call that whore-bitch a prostitute.

What.

The FUCK. Is HAPPENING. To the WORLD.

Awww, poor baby can't afford contraceptives? Aw.... here you go sweetie! I'll pay for you to fuck guys!

Aww... what a sweetheart.

Fuck.

Ass-fucker.

Love always,

Jaime Lee

Mad at the WORLD because of WHORES like Sandra Fluke

Picky Lady

Is there anything better than a graham cracker with butter on it?

I think not.

Oh! Apples. Apples are up there on my yummy list. Or, Yummy List.

Oh! And lemon chicken. Or, if I were Chinese, remon chicken.

The girls at work found me a man they want me to date. He's apparently a customer, who I've seen several times and noticed his attractive qualities... He's really nice, and very handsome in a rugged sort of way.

They told me they're trying to hook us up :) Awww... so cute. Apparently people think I need a man? Hm. Not quite sure I agree with 'need' a man, but, a date is always fun. :)

And I know where he works since I've seen his truck in the parking lot.. I always like a man that drives a nice rugged truck. Yum.

We've spoken before, but only as a customer/employee, you know. But, I do use my other kind of smile with him. Since he seems so nice. Yay.

Is that weird to be specific about? A truck or a car? I mean, no, it doesn't matter... but, a man that drives a truck always turns me on a little bit more. Always has. Don't know why.

But, since I'm single, I can afford to be picky. Right? If I'm going to date, I want what I want. I have been talking more with this one person, that Todd person. I completely go through his facebook to see what types of friends he has, especially recent friends. Don't like what I see.

Hm.

Have to go do banking and books, out of time!

Love always,

Jaime Lee

11:11